i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
