I wish my penis had an off switch
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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