I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
