Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
