Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
NoShamevember. You game?
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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