smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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