dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Randomize
