i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
We left an ass print on the piano.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
