he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Randomize
