sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
