What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
