Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
dude. I can hear the air.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Randomize
