SEEEEXXX PLEASE
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
