You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
