im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
