I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
You need a sexual gate keeper
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
