You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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