Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
