i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
