I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
