Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Randomize
