I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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