Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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