Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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