All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Randomize
