Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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