Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
