Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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