saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
