So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
