he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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