did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
