My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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