can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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