I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
