whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
