I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
That's intense
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
