You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
