I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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