the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
