it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize