Nicole vs. Life
K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
