the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Drake has all the answers
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
