I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize