i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
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