Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
