Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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