When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
that may or may not have been my penis.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
