Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
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