i don't like sucking hair
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Randomize
