Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
