Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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