Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
