I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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