Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
