id be glad to
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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