don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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