did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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