tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
