why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
