the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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