what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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