I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
vagina is talking i cant
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Randomize
