It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
