I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Just high enough for therapy.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
