she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
