Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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